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life's a game, but its not fair.
much loves, pearlly.
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draceania pearl-linnia!
Finally seventeen. 01november1992. Lepidopterophobia : butterflies freak me out.
I find myself better at expressing through words than saying it out to someone.
siblings, cousins and channing tatum makes me happy(: !
i have fetish for british accents and i feel a sense of euphoria listening to music and i love to read.
I've learnt many things in life.
I believe everybody makes mistakes.I'm not the only one who makes mistakes. Just think of all the ones you made.
And don't think so negative about yourself. If you do, you will never think you can.
I try to be optimistic but not too optimistic.
everything is falling apart. they have already given up on us. not even caring about us. yes, we haven't been good. but still, we don't need this kind of treatment. what happened today really made me feel that my siblings is more important than them or any other people. my mind is really messed up.
i don't hate them. it's just that ... oh. i myself find such things difficult to explain.
i wanna talk to my bf, i wanna laugh. but duh obviously he is asleep.
goodnight. if i somehow manage to sort my thoughts through, i'll explain more.
the cousins little adventure. (: Thinking back, I just realised how much nonsense we did together when we were young. Like playing catching, pulling down the Apek pants and every accidents and little fights we have. we were together always every saturday, mostly. annoying each other, laughing and just enjoying. ohhboy, they are damn awesome. (:
see this awesome cute baby ! her name is ZIA FARADINA. AWW, damn cute right.
well, new addition to the family.
awesome fan clubs that makes me go ' holy cow, that is soo true. ' - Parents only say ' Don't answer back ' when they know they're getting owned. how awesome-ly true. lose already then admit defeat lah! tsk. - The worst feeling ever is not knowing whether you should wait or give up. crap. i totally argee with this. this especially makes me feel like shit & makes my brain go haywire and also it fucks around with my emotions. - i create scenarios in my head that will never happen in real life. ohwell, you don't know what goes around my head. hee.
and some other fanclubs. HAHA. (:
& about ferra bday, will elaborate more when she has uploaded the photos yeah.
goodnight, people.
i pretty much told many people about it. & somehow, i just don't care anymore. i can't wait to get myself busy and i won't listen to your ramblings.
I'm nice and I don't like to hurt people. But when ive been so dang nice, and you treat me like..... sighs. I can't help but be effing sarcastic.
I'm not excited. I was expecting something special. but yeah nothing special. Nevermind. I'm expecting too much, actually its not but maybe it is. Err, okay contradictive.
Feelings so mixed up. Please try to somehow push me back to how I was. Argh, I feel effing disappointed and somehow annoyed.
Ohboy, whatever.
Anddddd, I had fun with my cousins. Gosh, I love them as hell and I can be crazy around them. My mind felt awesome, free from all those shits. We had quite an adventure. In the jungle. I can't wait for next week actually. Awesome. (:
Happy chinese new year. And oh, happy valentines day. The first time I'm celebrating it and blablabla.
OH, IT'S MIDNIGHT ALREADY. so might as well wish this legal lady. HAPPY BIRTHDAAAAAAAAY FERRA ARDEN MARCELLA. meet soon aites. and i do miss gossiping with you like we used to in school. she's effing fun to be with. i miss understanding whatever she's trying to say, even though she was still in the midst of saying it. whatever it is, awesome ! love yaaaaa. (:
anyways. did baking with rajathi. pictures with her. not alot. we were mainly trying to make sure the brownies turned out good. hmm, kinda okay. & this was the thing i wanted to give yaawar. HAHA. So much for the suspense. (: met reshmi, aniq, ashraf and benson after that. they have different opinions about the brownies. but they said it was nice. i find it hard to believe. HAHAHA. but i'm glad they liked it. and also yaawar liked it. despite it looking abit disasterous. i made this for him actually. and oh, of course rajathi helped me. i can't do things alone. i'm effing blur. so yeaaaaah.
i sound so happy. and i am. I'm not giving two hoots about them. Give me the silent treatment or insult me all you want. life's a bitccccccccch.
goodnight. going to watch ' How I met your mother . '
i don't really know why only HER words and things she says affect me a whole shit lot. aaaaaaaaah, crap. nobody gets it. not even. ahh, why bother mentioning anything anyways. life's a bitch. & i just got to live with it. no way of getting out. when things happen, it happens. said it, heard it manymany times. plus SHIT ALWAYS HAPPENS.
i really hope tomorrow's not a bad day. oh specifically, later since it's already 2plus. all is well. and let it end well. let hope whatever i wanna do goes the way it is. HAH, the suspense is killing him. aaaaaaaah, whatever.
damn me for being so moody.
time to sleep cause' i wanna wake up early. goodnight. & of course i'll let daughtry's voice sing me to sleep. HAH. oh well.
OKAY. i have a blog that i can rant to. so this isn't interesting much. just that i need to express this anger or disappointment somewhere.
*BREATHS. OKAY GO.
IT IS EFFING DIFFICULT TRYING TO PLEASE EVERYBODY. FUCK. WHY ARE THEY SO CONSERVATIVE AND THINK THEY KNOW US VERY WELL. OKAY, YES, I ARGEE YOU WILL KNOW US SINCE YOU TOOK CARE OF US SINCE YOUNG. BUT DO YOU REALLY KNOW US ? I MEAN, WHAT GOING ON IN OUR MIND, WHY WE MAKE SUCH DECISIONS. NO YOU DON'T CAUSE EVERYBODY HAVE THEIR OWN PERCEPTION OF THINGS AND THUS, YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT.
THIS IS THE MODERN GENERATION. THE DAY YOU PEOPLE LIVE ARE MUCH DIFFERENT AND THE KIND OF ATTITUDE YOU PEOPLE HAD LAST TIME ARE DIFFERENT FROM THE TEENAGERS NOW. DON'T EXPECT US TO BE LIKE YOU. EVERYBODY'S DIFFERENT. EVERYBODY LACK IN SOMETHING. NOBODY IS PERFECT AND NOBODY THINKS THE SAME WAY.
WHY ARE YOU REACTING AS IF WE ARE THE MOST AWFUL PEOPLE ON EARTH. GO SEARCH MORE. WE AREN'T THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO ARE LIKE THIS. NO OFFENCE, BUT THERE ARE MUCHMUCH MORE NOTORIOUS TEENAGERS. IF YOU CALL US DEVILS, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WILL LABEL THEM THEN.
SOMETIMES I WONDER WHAT WE HAVE DONE TO CAUSED THEM TO REACT LIKE THIS. WHAT ? I DON'T REMEMBER DOING ANYTHING SO DAMN SINFUL OR SO DAMN WRONG. I DO HOUSEWORK & BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I PUT MY EFFORTS AND ALWAYS TRY MY EFFING BEST TO MAKE SURE I DO IT NO MATTER HOW TIRED I FEEL. AND AFTER ALL THAT, YOU STILL SAY ALL THOSE THINGS. I KNOW, I RARELY TAKE INITIATIVE IN THINGS. I TRY MY BEST TO, BUT SOMETIMES THINGS JUST DON'T CROSS MY MIND. LIKE I MENTIONED, NOBODY THINKS THE SAME WAY.
AND IT'S FUCKING UNFAIR WHEN THINGS GOES WRONG, I'M THE ONE THEY RUN TO. TO SCOLD AND BLAME. WHY MUST I BE THE ONE WHO MUST UNDERSTAND YOU PEOPLE. TRY SITTING DOWN AND THINK. UNDERSTAND ME.
NOW, ONE WANTS ME TO GO AWAY AND ANOTHER JUST DOESN'T TRUST ME WHEN I DO. SEE WHAT I MEAN ABOUT TRYING TO PLEASE EVERYBODY. WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO. IF YOU WANT ME TO GO AWAY SO BADLY, TELL THAT TO THE OTHER PERSON THEN. SOLVES EVERYTHING.
I'M NEARLY EIGHTEEN AND I KNOW, I DON'T ACT LIKE EVERY EIGHTEEN YEAR OLDS. INDEPENDANT AND WHATSOEVER YOU HAD IN MIND. AND YOU THINK I'M NOT DISAPPOINTED WITH MYSELF FOR THAT. I AM. BUT AT LEAST TRUST ME AND DON'T THINK I DON'T HAVE MY OWN EFFING MIND TO THINK FOR MYSELF. CAUSE I DO.
AAAAAAAAAAH, FUCK AH. I HATE IT WHEN I GET SO PISSED ABOUT THINGS AND MY MIND GETS SO MIXED UP.
LIFE IS FUCKING UNFAIR. SO I GOT TO LIVE WITH IT. I THINK I WOULD HAVE STARTED CRYING BY NOW IF THIS CONSTANT NAGGINGS AND BLAMINGS WERE TO BE THROWN AT ME WHEN I'M IN THE AGE OF 14-16. BUT AFTER GOING THROUGH THIS FOR SO LONG, I'VE GOTTEN IMMUNE TO IT. BUT SOMEHOW, IT WILL NEVER END. NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY. I KNOW, I STARTED TO HAVE THE MINDSET OF NOT CARING WHATEVER PEOPLE SAY. BUT SOMETIMES, IT GETS STUCK TO ME, NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY TO PUSH IT AWAY.
HEY, I'M A HUMAN, WITH FEELINGS. AND I AM THE WAY I AM. I'M SORRY IF I'M NOT THE KIND OF PERSON YOU WANT ME TO BE. I ACCEPT THE WAY YOU ARE, YOU ACCEPT ME.
CERTAIN HABITS DIE HARD. AND THAT HABIT OF MINE OF SLEEPING LATE WILL ALWAYS BE STUCKED WITH ME. SO I CAN'T CHANGE THAT.
BELIEVE ME, I HAVE CONTEMPLATED ABOUT MY LIFE, THINGS ABOUT MYSELF. AND I'M REALLY DISAPPOINTED ABOUT IT. SO I DON'T NEED ADDITIONS.
AND RIGHT NOW, I FEEL SO RESTRICTED AND I FEEL LIKE MY PERSONAL LIFE IS INVADED. GOES BACK TO THE SAME OLD SHIT. - TRUST. SOMETHING THAT I'VE LOST. DUE TO SOME MATTER THAT IS SO DAMN SMALL. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, I DON'T CARE ABOUT GAINING BACK THE TRUST CAUSE' I HAVE MY OWN MIND TO THINK FOR MYSELF. AND I KNOW, I WON'T DO ANYTHING STUPID.
wow. long rant, full of complaints. i must say, it was quite a nice release.
well, those are the pictures we took during the gig. & i swear, it was good. awesome as hell ! i find them better than the rest of the bands. i mean, the others are good too. but this one is better. they mainly played avenged sevenfold & trivium. thanks to my brother for always listening to Trivium, making me listen to it too. my brother influenced alot of awesome bands to me. anws, so i knew the song they played which is - like light to the flies. awesome song. & they played it well. & no, i don't say this just because they are my friends. they just rock. see their gig and you get what i mean. they have another gig coming on, i think. (:
makes me wonder why people hates songs with screaming in it. okay, i don't like slipknot. sorry to those who like them. no offence but yes, their masks scares me shitless. but other bands really do make good music. just learn to listen more. :)
holy cow, this pimple on my nose is annoying the shit out of me. *screams.
turns out, my granny's place is not all trees and thick jungles. i (okay not all me, yaawar too) found a place that we can just slack around & of course enjoy the scenery. nice place and nice to take pictures. going to bring my cousins there this saturdaaaaaaaaaaaaaay ! :D
http://www.phobialist.com/ weird website. i say weird because, it has weird names for different phobias. looking at those names makes me wonder whether such phobias with such names exist.
Example: Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia: Fear of long words. LIKE STATING THE OBVIOUS MUCH. i feel so scared trying to pronounce this weird long phobia.
weird things exist.
ohmy, this internet is seriously lagging ! nothing loads fast. but, still i'm dependant on it to entertain my oh-so-boring life.
naggings. what is new around here. too,too tired to hear the same old shit anyway. getting so immune to the usual nags. can't wait to go out.
not really in a good mood nowadays. feeling so disappointed, with myself mostly. with all the decisions I've made so far. I have been reflecting alot & i wish i could stop my brain from thinking. I'm too tired cause' reflecting has caused me to unfold things i don't really wish to unfold. Thinking about all that makes me feel all hurt all over again. pretty confused & hard to explain.
stratch all that. Have been listening to old songs. what i meant by old songs - not those classic songs. but songs that i have not been listening and wow, i fell in love with all those songs again. ohmyyy.
meeting yaawar, ♥. yays. I have been a bitch lately. sorry.
time to sleep before somebody wakes up and nag again. ahhh, hell. i'm not the early sleeper. I have been sleeping late for so long already and i can't change that. hell, goodnight.
wow. away for effing long. well, i was sick. Very,very sick, I might add. I had not fallen sick for almost a year & now everything is falling down on me. I fell sick for almost 6 days. & i'm still not thoroughly well. actually, I had lymph nodes infection. Many might not get whatever this thing is but it is in your bodaaay too, helping you to fight infection. but for my case, it fought too,too hard & overworked. and caused my neck to be swollen at the left side. swollen & painful. i had four lumps. but it joined into one. and due to this lymph nodes, i had fever frenzy. for 5 days straight. my fever comes & goes whenever they like. & the highest i went was 39.9 degree celsius. for a person like me who rarely gets fever, getting 39.9 got me so freaked out & i cried. but i got used to it after one or two days. lost my appetite & i lost weight. OH, HOW AWESOME FOR A SKINNY GIRL LIKE ME TO SAY SHE'S LOST WEIGHT AITE. I'm feeling so effing sad that i lost weight. :( went to the doctor a day after my fever went haywire. trouble arised before going & yeaaaaaaaaah, i got scolded for going so late by yaawar. let's just say, the past few days things were hard and complicated. & the doctor took my blood. and i fainted. i had 15secs of nice sleep. no kidding. and some other things happen but i don't wish to elaborate. right now the balls in my neck is still there swollen & painful but the fever's gone.
how sad. i din't even get to go to my friend's gig. the band's name is called Roosevelts Vengeance. Spelt wrongly in the past posts. oh well. heard that it was awesome.
Anws, i had my nails maincured. my sister paid for it before she went for KL. she wanted to had her fingers done, so she asked me along. AWESOME LORS.
right now waiting for my sister to get back home. sandy, get back home fast leeeeeh. :D
&& i met yaawar after so long. well, i was sick whaaaaaaaaaaat. heh. longeyelashes loves.
ohmy, forgot to mention that i got accepted at Ngee Ann Poly to take nursing. actually I kinda expected it so i dint feel anything. Happy ? I don't feel anything. HAH. pretty much fine with any course given.
lastly, the only malay band i listened to. UNGU. ohmy, goood.
Family.
They are the ones who have always made my life awesome. I can count on my siblings and cousins to make me laugh and I will always look forward to our outings. I'm always myself whenever I'm with them.
Friends.
My friends, are all different. We all have different characters but when we come together, we bond well. I can be crazy whenever i want to with them and I can share any shits with them. We laugh, we cry. I miss you, people.